The Shadow Walker
by inspired85
Summary: Have you ever heard of a shadow walker? Up until now I never had but after coming to terms with heartbreak and loss,my whole life is put in a spin. One soul destroying night I lost the love of my life, I lost everything...or did I? AH/AU original coupling
1. Chapter 1

**A/N : So firstly I must apologise to anyone that has read any of my other stuff and wondered what the hell happened to me. I did in fact disappear of the face of the earth for a while but never fear because I am back. *gasps of relief* I will continue with my other story SIAB but for now I just need to do something different, something fresh.**

**This story is a little different than your average Bella/Edward saga but I hope you will have patience and bear with me. This is just a taster, a prologue if you will just to make sure I still have people willing to read my drivvle. Anyway I have other chapters for this written so please review and let me know if you want to know where this twisted tale is headed. Much love people. Much love. **

"Push!"

"You're doing so well sweetheart, just one more."

"Come on baby, push!"

My head falls back against the sterile white pillow. Blood is rushing through my body, pounding in my ears, muffling the voices around me as I drift in and out of awareness. I'm trying to focus. I'm trying to remember that I need to push. I'm trying so hard but I can't do it. I can't do it because he's not here. He's not here and my heart is broken. It's broken and bleeding slowly inside me, filling my entire body to the brim with its tainted sorrow; sorrow for him, for me, for the tiny miracle.

Oh that's right, the tiny miracle. Push, my internal voice is telling me. Push, the voices that surround me are urging, teasing my consciousness with their feather light whispers, encouraging my body to respond.

The beeping and whirring of machinery echoes off the sanitary four walls that has become my own personal hell for the last 32 hours. The pain rips through my body bringing with it a moment of clarity that grounds me.

"Uuuuuuggggghhhh!" My breath hisses through my clenched teeth as I push with all the energy that I have left, but I know that it's not enough.

I'm not enough.

I'm not enough without him.

"Shhh sweety, that's not true you are enough. You're more than enough. You can do this," the sweetest voice whispers in my ear. It's the voice I've been waiting for. It's him, he's here.

I pry my eyes open so that I can see his face. I've missed it so badly. I just need to see it. My eyes scan the faces in the room...Renee...Alice...the nurse...Rosalie...another nurse...and then green. The most vivid shade of green that I have seen in such a long time. My heart stutters and falters for a moment whilst I drown in molten emerald. He's here.

My hand reaches out towards him, the hustle and bustle of the room falls into oblivion as I focus so intently on my saviour, my lifeline.

That's the last thing I remember before the blanket of blackness settles down on me, pressing me into nothingness.

I'm vaguely aware of noises around me, of subtle shifting and hushed whispers.

My head is throbbing and this sharp sensation courses around my body, causing me to wince internally. My brain feels fuzzy, like it's been infiltrated by a dense fog making it hard to see. Actually my mouth has a similar feeling, it's as though someone filled my mouth with mounds and mounds of cotton wool. I try to move, to muster up some energy from somewhere to pull myself out of this invisible weight that's holding me hostage, but it hurts too much.

I wonder why I can't seem to string two coherent thoughts together. I can't remember a single thing. I rack my brain trying to recall something, anything. Thoughts meander round and round inside my head and I try and grab hold of one to try and make sense of this madness that I find myself in.

Bella swan...oooh that's me, that's good. A cynical chuckle tinkers deep inside my subconscious at the excitement I feel at remembering my own name.

Pain...sweat...push...

Words float around occupying the empty space in my brain where all my knowledge and memories once were.

Huh, pain...sweat...push...the words circulate whilst I try to make sense of them.

Nope, nothing. I've got nothing.

I feel strangely weak in my semi-conscious state as a dull, burning ache coats all of my limbs. In a way it's refreshing, at least I can feel something which means I'm not dead.

Fatigue washes over me. All this thinking is clearly just too much for me and so I surrender to the pleasures of numbness.

"Wahhhhhh, wahhh, waaahhhhh."

What was that? A sound pricks at my sub-conscious but it's gone before I can get a handle on the alien noise. I try and open my eyes but it's as if they are glued shut.

My thoughts seem less muffled than the last time I remember. As a matter of fact my head is completely clear. I remember the confusion from before. I remember how impressed I was with myself for remembering my own name. Silly Bella.

My hand ghosts over my tummy, reaching out to comfort myself with a stroke of my tiny miracle. I would never have believed it in a million years if six months ago someone said to me that I'd be pregnant. It was never what I wanted for myself. It was never what we wanted for us. But things happen and you learn to accept and deal with what life throws at you.

I'm so lost in my elation for a moment that I don't realise that my hand is rubbing empty space. It hits me at the same time as everything else.

No protruding belly full of my tiny miracle.

No pain racking my body.

No molten emerald saviour.

No green.

No Edward.

No baby.

No nothing.

My whole world flips upside down as thoughts bombard me like a tidal wave reaching out with its frothy claws and scraping away my shield of protection, dragging it away in its destructive retreat.

My subconscious that, up until now has been floating above my body like a loosely attached helium balloon slams back into me as I sit upright clutching at my neck, sinking my nails into my skin as I fight for air.

I remember being giddy with happiness as we drove back from the OBY/GYN appointment after seeing our little angel kicking away on the screen.

I remember stealing a peak out of the corner of my at the beautiful boy sat next to me and revelling in the shit eating grin that was plastered all over his face and that was the exact replica of mine.

I remember the sound of the rain pelting on the roof of his brand new shiny Volvo and how it sounded like the pitter patter of a million tiny baby feet.

I remember the look of horror that washed away all traces of serenity off the face of the boy I loved.

I remember the sound of metal crunching against the bark of a nearby tree as the stupid shiny Volvo with its stupid shiny brakes swerved off the side of the road.

I remember the pain that ravaged my body as I was slammed against the windscreen.

I remember hearing his scream as the last breath escaped his flawless lips.

I remember the fire fighters cutting through the frame of the stupid Volvo and I remember the sparks flying off in every which way as the screech of metal against metal resounded in my ears.

I remember the nurses and the beeping and the pain and the beeping and the screaming and the pain and the green.

Oh god do I remember the green. It was the last thing that I remember. It was calling to me, it was telling me to push. It was telling me that I could do it, trying to convince me that I could do it alone. But it was wrong. I can't do it alone.

He was wrong.

And now I'm alone.

**A/N : So my lovely people, love it? hate it? Confused much? Haha, let me know what you think and all will be revealed. **


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 1 – False Starts

I scrunch my eyes together tightly, as the sun filters though the blinds and tries to force me from my restless slumber. The sun hurts, it's too bright, and it grates against my sombre mood, mocking it. For once I pray for the grey, rain clouds that permeate the town where I grew up as a child, but no, the Floridian sun's happiness taunts me instead.

I roll over and bury my face in the soft downy feathers of my pillow urging sleep to wash over me once more. I'm not ready for today. I can't do this. I can't say goodbye. Not yet. I just need some more time. Please God? Please? I'm begging you.

Flash backs of happier days run through my mind in vain, trying to force my thoughts away from this shitty day. My mind's eye is awash with colour; vibrant greens and lilacs dance before my eyes, pulling me closer to him. His laughter echoes all around me and I can picture his face all crumpled up, his eyes glinting and reflecting his elation at me.

A smile tugs at the corner of my lips as my memories take up residence inside me, eking love and warm fuzzy feelings through my body. It doesn't last long though. Reality takes a sledge hammer to it and smashes it into a trillion little pieces. It goads me into a reaction. It sneers at the facade of happiness that I have resurrected and knocks it down bit by bit, replacing it with a slow, burning ache. I relish the hurt and pain, I strive on it. I need it just so that I can feel something real.

It's the same every morning when I wake up. I live for those two seconds, those two seconds where sleep still clouds my mind and reality evades me. For those two seconds my life is perfect, I'm happy and in love, I have Edward and I have my tiny miracle. Everything is as it should be.

Those two seconds are simultaneously the best and worst moments of the day. The best because I forget the pain that plagues me, allowing me to revel in what my life should be like. For those two seconds I'm at complete peace with the world. They are also the worst because it only it makes it harder when reality settles in. Those two seconds cajole me into thinking that everything is ok, before they brutally slash away at my tranquillity, reminding me that it's not real. The stillness in me is only temporary, it's fleeting. Those two seconds mock me with their fallacy waving images of what could be under my nose long enough to stir me from my sleep, only to wrench it away from me in the harsh light of day.

My groan of anguish is muffled by the pillow and I tug at my hair in the hope that I can dull the emotional turmoil that is coursing through my veins and replace it with physical pain instead. It doesn't work though. It never does.

I sit up slowly, adjusting my eyes to the harsh glare of the sun. I drag my screwed up fists over my eyes and will myself to move, to get up out of bed and face the day ahead. I blink rapidly and squint at the clock on my bedside table.

7:38.

That means I have two hours and eighteen minutes to dull my senses enough to get through the day. Two hours and eighteen minutes until people start offering condolences and sincere apologies at my loss. Two hours and eighteen minutes to try and figure out how I am going to find the strength to say goodbye to the one person that truly mattered to me. Two hours and eighteen minutes until I have to say goodbye to the little angel that never was.

A shudder takes hold of my body as searing pain burns at my soul, branding me forever with its hot, greedy mark. I stumble out of bed and run to the corner of the room just in time to dry heave up the lining of my stomach into the trash can. I hug it to me as though it holds some sort of solace. I take deep wracking breaths trying to make the panic that shrouds my mind subside.

I wedge myself into the space between my overflowing book case and the neglected desk, trying to fight away the nausea. I breathe in through my nose and out through my mouth, like my shrink keeps telling me, trying to keep the panic attack that is threatening to swallow me up at bay.

That's it Bella, breathe in...Breathe out...breathe in...Breathe out.

I hear his voice inside my mind. It's the only thing that has the power to talk me off the ledge that I am so precariously balanced on. It's like the sweetest melody, reminding me to breathe, reminding me to continue, to fight, and to not give up.

I close my eyes and tilt my head back against the wall, succumbing to his dulcet tones. They calm the storm brewing within me.

"Edward," I whisper his name softly. I've taken up talking to him, hoping that he can hear me up there. It helps me feel closer to him, closer to love, closer to happiness.

"I can't do this. I miss you so much that it takes my breath away. Every time I feel like I'm almost there, like I'm almost ok, it hits me again with the weight of a thousand men. It knocks me off my feet and pushes me over the edge until I'm a blubbering mess. I can't function without you."

As soon as the words leave my mouth I feel lighter, only marginally but still, the burden eases slightly. I continue to talk to him purging my broken heart with my declarations. It's like the soft lilac walls of my small bedroom soak up all of my words and act as a comfort blanket, enveloping me in its embrace. It might sound silly to you but it's the only way I can keep a hold of my sanity. Sometimes I feel like I'm going crazy with grief. Maybe I am crazy, after all I do talk to myself in my bedroom and I hear voices. Well a voice, his voice. It soothes me, lulling me into brief glimpses of happiness.

Baby bell.

Those two whispered words calm me like no others. The familiar endearment was one that I used to take for granted. I'd giggle at him for being so silly and lecture him on the differences between me and the small circles of cheese. I'm not cheese, Edward, I don't smell like it or taste like it, I'd say as I cluck my tongue against the roof of my mouth. And he'd grab me and tickle me relentlessly until my sides hurt and I struggled to breathe, and then he'd whisper in my ear so softly, tickling my skin with his words, no but you're my baby bell and I'd eat you every day for the rest of my life. To which I would feign disgust and hit him on the shoulder and tell him how he's such a guy. The memory helps distract me and my breathing steadies slightly.

See, look how well you're doing. I watch over you always and I'm so proud of you for not giving up. You're too beautiful and too special to give up on life. You've barely lived, baby bell.

His voice floats around in my head. He feels so close, like I could just reach out my fingers and he'd be there, just outside of my grasp. I can see him shaking his head at me as I try in vain to touch him, to hold onto him and never let him go.

"I don't want to live without you, it's too hard and it hurts too much. Please just take me with you," My voice is hoarse with unshed tears.

No baby bell, you can't come with me. We've been through this before; the world isn't ready for you to leave. The big guy has bigger and better things in store for you, you have to keep going, for me baby bell, please. Please keep trying. Angel and I will be here, waiting for you.

At the mention of our little angel my heart breaks all over again. Silent tears spill out of my eyes and roll down my cheeks, leaving paths of desolation on my skin.

A gentle tap on the door pulls me out of my reverie and brings me back to reality with a bang.

I open my eyes and look up, seeing the soft features of my mother's face twisted in torment as she watches me, her only daughter.

"Baby girl, I thought I heard you talking. Are you ok?"

I look at her with my watery eyes, my vision blurred and broken, just like me. A sob tears through me and in the blink of an eye my mom is there, huddling me up in her arms, rocking me back and forth as she whispers soothing words into my ear.

"I-I...I d-d-d-don't...I can't..." I can't catch my breath long enough to speak.

"Shhhh, baby girl I know. I know." She continues to rock me back and forth for what seems like an eternity, until my breathing becomes shallow, my body a shuddering mess.

"I miss him, and I miss her. I just, I just don't understand. What did I do? I didn't deserve this. He didn't deserve this. She didn't even get a chance to live. Every time I manage to catch my breath, every time I think I can do this, it hits me all over again, sucking me in, pulling me under. How is it ever going to get better? When is it ever going to get better?"

My words and tears mingle together and seep into the sleeve of Renee's black dress. She places her hands on either side of my cheeks and pulls my head up, forcing me to look her in the eye.

"You listen to me and you listen to me good. You, you are so strong sweetheart, stronger than you think, stronger than me that's for sure. When I was your age I didn't have half of the things you've had to contend with. Sure, I had more than most what with being pregnant with you and being trapped in a place I didn't belong but you – you've dealt with more than most people have to deal with in their lifetime. You've lost your true love, you've lost your baby, and your whole world is upside down right now. But you've shown more strength and courage than I thought possible, you're still here. You're still trying. You're so brave and you're doing so well. Today will be hard but from here on in it can only get better. Trust me. You'll see."

I see the tears brimming in her eyes and I see the pity in them too.

"Today, you get to say goodbye. You get to celebrate the life of Eddie, you get to stand with everyone that mattered to him, and to rejoice in all the things you shared, all of the memories you made. They will always be with you, cherish them with all your heart and never let them go. You were lucky enough to meet that one person that was made for you; he was your other half, your soul mate. Some people don't ever find that special someone but you did. It was cut short, and that is heartbreaking but baby, it was real. Let it help you, let it heal you and move on sweety. It might seem impossible now but trust me, time heals all wounds. One day you will look back and feel happy that you experienced the greatest gift of all, love."

I stare off into space just soaking in her words. Deep down I know that she is probably right but for now I feel like I'm slowly dying inside. I can see Renee's lips moving out of the corner of my eye but I can't hear her, I've turned her out.

There's a steady rasping on the door downstairs and Renee goes to answer it, early well wishers I presume. I hear muttered whisperings and movement downstairs and then I hear soft footsteps outside my bedroom, they falter outside my door and the loose floorboard directly outside my room creaks under the weight.

Another smile ghosts over my lips as the squeaky floorboard opens up a floodgate of memories. That was the noise I heard every time Edward stayed over in the 'guest room'. Renee, never one for rules, had only one. If he stayed he wasn't allowed in my room. I guess it was her naive way of trying to make sure I didn't follow in her footsteps of teenage pregnancy. Ha, not that that ever deterred us. Obviously, trying to stop two horny and hormonal sixteen year olds was futile. There was many a time when Edward would sneak down the hallway once Renee and Phil were sleeping in an attempt to deflower me of my innocence. The screeching groan of the floorboard echoed through the house, threatening to ruin his cunning plans but it never did.

I remember the first time like it was yesterday.

_We had been best friends ever since the first day of kindergarten. He had come to my aid after I dropped my chocolate milk, spilling it all over the floor. I remember the tears springing to my eyes and the burning in my throat as I tried to quell the urge to cry. Hey, don't cry he had said gently as he haphazardly mopped up the spillage with paper towels, its ok, he had assured me. I remember telling him how it was the only drink I had and that surely I would die of thirst by the time my mom came to pick me up at the end of the day. He had chuckled at me then and I looked to my left, and at him, for the first time. Even then, at five years old, I remember being taking aback by the copper haired boy and his dazzling beauty. This angelic face had grinned up at me, melting my short lived anger of him mocking me, and replacing it with hundreds of tiny little fluttering butterflies. I was Isabella Swan and I was in love. He introduced himself telling me that he was Eddie Masen and that he had plenty of drink that I could share. From that day on we were inseparable. He was my best friend and, in time, he became my one and only love. _

_Nine years of innocent friendship naturally progressed into lustful teenage love with a little shove from our raging hormones and at fourteen we had declared ourselves as each other's one and only true love. It was my sixteenth birthday and Eddie had been allowed to stay over for the first time, albeit in separate rooms. The house was shrouded in darkness except for the illuminated numbers on my bedside clock telling me it was 11:58 pm. It was almost my birthday. Eddie had promised that he was going to sneak into my room and give me the best birthday present ever, one that I would never forget. I remember waiting with baited breath, giddy with excitement and wondering what it could be. I remember the creaking floorboard and the way it made my heart beat out of my chest with anticipation. I remember the way he looked, basked in the moonlight_ _pouring in through my bedroom window but mostly I remember the look in his eyes as he slid inside me for the first time and the words he whispered in my ear as he made love to me, "Isabella Marie Swan, I promise to love you for every moment of forever."_

I was so lost in my memories of him, of us, that I didn't realise anyone had walked into the room until I felt the bed dip with weight as someone sat down next to me on my bed. I felt an arm snake around my waist on either side. I breathed in deeply, getting lost in the scents that were so uniquely Alice and Rosalie. They make me thankful for Phil and how he stumbled across the path of my erratic hair brained mom. They had been married for three years now and his daughters', Alice and Rosalie, had become not only my step-sisters, but my best friends. Without them I don't think I would have survived.

Alice and Rosalie couldn't be more different. Alice barely reached five foot, with short, spiky black hair, coupling with her dainty, pale features to make her resemble a dark haired version of tinker bell. Her small frame directly juxtaposes her huge personality. She has got to be the loudest, most bubbly girl I have ever happened to come across. She's all excitement and enthusiasm and bounces around on cloud nine. Whereas Alice is always the optimist, Rosalie is always the pessimist. She is the exact opposite of Alice, leggy and tan with beautiful, long, blond hair; she is the epitome of gorgeous. To those that don't know her she appears cool and aloof. She has the touch of the ice maiden about her and can always be relied on to speak the truth. People think she's a bitch, and yes she may well be, but she's my bitch and I love her for it. Alice is soft and innocence and Rosalie is tough and worldly.

I find calm in Alice's embrace. I rest my head on her shoulder and look up at her. Her face is haunted by sadness and if there were any piece of my heart left unbroken it would have crumbled.

"Bella, do you want us to help you get ready? We need to leave in half an hour for the service. Let us help you my lovely, love."

I closed my eyes and nod my head slowly; resigned to face the shitty hand I had been dealt.


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 2 – Injustice

My hands grip the edge of the dresser in my room as I try and keep myself standing. Alice and Rosalie are working in silence, trying in vain to cover up six weeks of sorrow and hurt, to make me look some kind of presentable to the outside world. My skin is too pale after being in doors with no sun, my cheek bones are more predominant, making ghastly hollows in my face. I look like I'm the one that died. Or that's how I feel at least.

The purplish circles around my eyes are so dark it looks as though I have drawn them on. I catch Rosalie's eye in the mirror as she fixes the wayward strands of my long, mahogany hair, pinning the mass of curls together at my nape. She gives my shoulder a gentle squeeze, trying to offer me support and assurance that I can do this.

I take a few deep, calming breaths and release the poor dresser from the clutches of my death like hold. My whole body shakes and before I even realise it Alice and Rosalie are on either side of me, holding me up, helping me move forwards. We make our way downstairs, an eerie quiet has settled over the house and it's pulling at my already frayed nerves. The girls slowly usher me out of the door and down the garden path.

The cars' are waiting. My eyes are glued to some asinine spot on the floor as I try and walk past the hearses without looking at them. I can feel everyone's eyes upon me, as though they are waiting for me to crack. I can sense rather than hear Alice's words of comfort and as I turn to look at her I see what I was so desperately trying to avoid out of the corner of my eye. My heart stops beating, the oxygen leaves my lungs in a whoosh of air as the hurt and despair washes over me, staggering me to my knees. I barely touch the ground before Rosalie hoists me up and takes most of my weight onto her, taking on a part of my grief, shouldering my pain.

I have to get closer. I have to feel near to him, to her, to my angels', one last time. I gingerly move my feet forward, one after the other, until my hands and face are pressed up against the window of the hearse. A shuddering sob threatens to escape so I lift up one hand and cover my mouth with it, willing the sound back down into the stagnant mass of woe that has gathered and festers deep inside me.

My eyes take in the sight of the coffin, the coffin which holds the body of the only man I will ever love. It doesn't look big enough for him, I wonder to myself if he's ok. He hated closed in spaces. I take another deep breath and realise that my concerns are futile, it doesn't matter to him. He's dead. He's gone.

Flowers fill every last crevice, both simple and elaborate displays. The word 'son' is spelled out in the most beautiful display of white calla lilies, surrounded in the greenest foliage, the colour matching his eyes exactly. My heart clenches involuntarily at the sight of it, so lost have I been in my own grief that I didn't even spare a thought for his parents. My eyes search the small crowd that has gathered, waiting for me to get into the car so the procession can start, looking for Elizabeth and Edward Snr, until they rest on the achingly familiar bronze coloured blaze of hair of his mother and the forest green eyes of his father.

I scan their faces for any traces of resentment for depriving them not only of their only son but of their only chance of a grandchild, but found none. It hadn't occurred to me until now that they had lost just as much as me, possibly more. They lost their son who was destined for greatness and they had their granddaughter hovered tenuously under their noses before she was cruelly snatched away. Their hope for a growing family died with Eddie. They have both survived their only living child and for that my heart breaks a tiny piece more. What's one more fissure when there are already hundreds?

With one last look of longing I gently kiss the glass, trailing my fingers down it slowly, unwilling to let him go. I trudge towards Elizabeth and Edward, pointedly skipping the second, smaller hearse and coffin for my own sanity, drawn to them by their harrowing resemblance to Eddie. They reach their hands out towards me tentatively and I stumble towards them, grateful for the physical contact of someone that shares my pain. They embrace me and I am transported to my happy place. I can smell him. His house, the detergent that they use, the slight hint of cinnamon that permeates their house, due to Elizabeth's fetish for anything cinnamon tasting or scented. I greedily breathe him in and it's as though he's right there with me.

I look up into their glistening eyes and ask the one thing that might help me make it through the day.

"Stay with me please? Don't leave me too."

His mother's voice cracks as she squeezes my hand and says, "Of course dear," like it had never entered her head to do anything else. Without turning around I reach blindly for Alice and Rosalie, not brave enough to face this without them either. I take one last look up into the sky and pray to God to gift me with the strength to make it through this day.

My body is on autopilot and as I step out of the car I can't even recall the journey to the cemetery. The place is awash with people, Eddie was well loved and this shows in the tear stained faces' of those coming to say their goodbyes. They all gather round the freshly dug out graves, one large and one small, adorned with exquisite tomb stones to commemorate the lives that were stolen from us.

I gather strength from everyone around me, basking in their love for Eddie, willing it to be enough to keep me sane. Calm descends on me, on this holy ground, and I use this opportunity to say my final, private farewell to my angels in the sky. I clench Alice's hand so tightly that surely I must be about ready to cut off her circulation at any time now. I can hear the sniffles and cries surrounding me and for once I find that mine are mysteriously absent.

The vicar begins the service and I find myself drifting in and out of focus, struggling to concentrate on anything but the emptiness inside me. I'm drowning in its blackness. I realise that all eyes are on me, anticipating something. I stare at them blankly; anyone would think they've seen a ghost. I inwardly roll my eyes at my own flippancy and it takes Alice to pinch me to break me out of my trance.

"Bella, honey, its time."

Alice's soft voice tinkles like wind chimes in the breeze snapping me back to the present. I look around and see properly for the first time since the ceremony began. I take a small step forward and search listlessly in my pocket for the scrap of paper that I know is in there. My hand connects with the creased paper and I pull it out, fumbling with the edges, trying to unfold it. A gust of wind suddenly breezes through the cemetery and whips the paper out of my hand, lifting it up, up, up mocking me with its unruliness.

I take another shuddering breath as I watch it float away, heavenward bound. I don't need it anyway. The words are emblazoned in my mind. I quietly clear my throat, and as Eddie makes his final journey into the ground, I find the words tumbling out of my mouth.

"Because I have loved life, I shall have no sorrow to die.  
I have sent up my gladness on wings, to be lost in the blue of the sky.  
I have run and leaped with the rain, I have taken the wind to my breast.  
My cheek like a drowsy child to the face of the earth I have pressed.  
Because I have loved life, I shall have no sorrow to die.

I have kissed young Love on the lips, I have heard his song to the end,  
I have struck my hand like a seal in the loyal hand of a friend.  
I have known the peace of heaven, the comfort of work done well.  
I have longed for death in the darkness and risen alive out of hell.  
Because I have loved life, I shall have no sorrow to die.

I give a share of my soul to the world where my course is run.  
I know that another shall finish the task I must leave undone.  
I know that no flower or flint was in vain on the path I trod.  
As one looks on a face through a window, through life I have looked on God,  
Because I have loved life, I shall have no sorrow to die."

As the last words leave my lips, my throat constricts and the tears that were prickling at my eyes streak down my face. Once again I fall to my knees, clutching handfuls of grass as I try to hold myself together, blissfully unaware of the piteous looks of everyone around me. My whole world crumbles and collapses on top of me, burying me, trapping me in this desolate place that I don't want to be.

I feel warmth pressed up against me, seeping through my clothes, but I pay no mind to whoever it is. My mind is refusing to focus on anything. It's shutting off, closing down, to protect me from what is about to come. Just as I think I can't take any more I see the tiny white coffin, barely bigger than a shoe box, hovering above the small open space next to Eddie and I can't bear it. I can't stand the thought of the two people most precious to me being alone and a gut wrenching scream erupts from somewhere deep within me as I try and come to terms with the injustice of it all.

My arms wrap around my now empty middle, trying to hold the fractured pieces of my heart inside, wishing that I could just go back six weeks and save them. Seeing my angels' coffin transports me back to that sterile room, to the place where my whole world fell apart.

"_Push!" It was like a mantra that was being vocalised from all directions. I knew that I had to push I just wish that they would shut up for a second and just let me breathe through this internal battle raging within me. I knew I had to fight for her, to help her enter this world but at the same time I was so fucking scared that I just wanted to cross my legs and pray for her to stay where she was. It was safe in there, away from the hell on earth that had been unleashed in the past 36 hours. I'm not ready. She's not ready. It's too soon and I know she won't make it. I push past the panic and the pain clouding my mind and just lay my head back for a second, just to get some perspective. But the sounds around me are too much, and the numbness settles over me like a security blanket, cutting me off from the rest of the world._

_The next thing I remember is being rushed through a crowded corridor, whirring past faces and objects so fast that I couldn't catch my breath. The trolley I was on burst through a double set of doors into what looked like an operating room but I was too out of it to care. I remember thinking that something wasn't right but I couldn't bring myself to care. I heard snippets of conversations going on around me at high speed and words like "it's been too long", "starved of oxygen", "too small" and "unformed" penetrated the thick haze around me but I couldn't make any sense of them before sinking further into oblivion._

_I remember the tormented face of my mom when she told me. When she told me that my angel was so perfect that God decided he wanted to keep her with him, that he couldn't let her go. I remember pushing myself deeper into the mattress of the hospital cot, trying desperately to make myself disappear into the void of darkness that was calling to me like a shining beacon, promising me with whispers of nothingness. _

My breathing comes in rapid pants and white lights flutter behind my eyes as the ground appears to move underneath me. The world feels off kilter, like somehow it has stopped spinning on its axis and I want to scream at it to let me off! I press my head firmly to the ground, still on my knees telling myself it's just a dream and to wake up but as I hear Alice's twinkling voice baulk, and stutter over a eulogy for the life that didn't get a chance to begin, I know that its real, I can't escape it.

"This if for my angel niece who was so precious that she was recalled by her creator to join him in heaven;

Do not stand at my grave and weep,  
I am not there, I did not sleep.  
I am a thousand winds that blow,  
I am the diamond glints on snow.  
I am the sunlight on ripened grain.  
I am the gentle autumn rain.  
When you awaken in the morning's hush  
I am the swift uplifting rush  
Of quiet birds in circled flight.  
I am the soft stars that shine at night.  
Do not stand at my grave and cry;  
I am not there, I did not die."

I feel Alice sink down to her knees next to me and I rest my head in her lap, needing her to take care of me because if someone doesn't then I don't think I will make it. She strokes my hair incessantly and it offers me a strange sort of comfort. I ache for him and for her, to feel his bristles scrape against my cheek as he nibbles my ear and tells me that I'm going to make the best wife and the best mommy. I'm aching to nestle my face in the crook of my squidgy little babies' neck, to inhale in her fresh baby smell. It's killing me that I'm aching for something that I can never have and there is this big, black gaping hole inside me screaming to be filled.

I'm aware that the service ends, and that guests filter out of the cemetery, but I can't bring myself to move. I'm scared to get up and walk away because then it's all over. Not that there is any going back now but still I can't just leave them. Alice, knowing exactly what I needed, just holds me as the sun fades away into grey.

My feet are all numb and tingly as my blood circulation has been cut off from being sat in the same position for too long. Alice is still sat stroking soothing circles on my back whilst simultaneously stroking my hair with her other hand. I finally move ever so slightly to pull my head back and glance at her lovely little face.

"I love you, Ally pally. I don't know what I'd do without you." My words are spoken so softly that I'm not even sure if she heard them but she leans her head down all the same, resting her forehead against mine.

"It's a good job I'm not going anywhere then sweety isn't it?"

"You can't know that that Ally. That's the exact same thing he said to me when I told him I was late. We were sat on my bed waiting for the stick to turn blue and I was so scared. He promised me that we'd face whatever happens together, that he'd be there for me always, no matter how hard things got. He promised and he broke it. He broke his promise and its killing me, I just need him."

Alice's eyes close for the briefest of seconds before she opens them again, her almost pitch black eyes meeting my warm, chocolate brown ones.

"You know he would have never chosen this Bella. He loved you more than anything. He would have never left you willingly and I'm sure that this is just as hard for him watching you up there. I'm sure his heart is breaking for you just as much as yours is for him. He wouldn't want you to suffer, he'd want you to be strong and move on with your life."

"I know Ally. Would you think I was crazy if I said he's told me the exact same thing himself?"

Alice looks at me like I'm bat shit crazy, who knows? Maybe I am?

"Sometimes, when I'm finding it hard and I forget to breathe, I hear him. He talks to me. I can't physically hear it but in here," I tap my temple with my forefinger, "in here I hear him whisper words of encouragement."

Alice is smiling at me in true Alice style, the first genuine smile I have seen on her face in last six weeks, and she nods her head slightly as a lone tear rolls down her face.

I finally find the will power to stand and I reach out my hand to Alice, lifting her up of the grass. We turn to walk away, the cemetery long since empty, and I turn my head back towards the fresh mounds of mud.

"Sleep well my angels, sleep well."

I press my hand to my lips and blow a kiss into the wind before turning and walking away. My whole body feels sluggish and I feel the biggest urge to turn right back around and fling myself at their graves' but I know that I can't. I need to let them go. Ally's little canary Porsche is the only car let in the car park. The brightness of it is so inappropriate for the tone of today yet it's so appropriately Alice. She pushes a button on her key fob and it beeps, unlocking the doors and bringing it to life. We slip inside noiselessly, the only sound coming from the speakers as the achingly familiar chords seep out and into my bones.

I see Alice's hand move to turn it off but I reach out and stop her. I feel like I need this right now, I need my pain to be vocalised even if it's with someone else's words.

All this feels strange and untrue  
And I won't waste a minute without you  
My bones ache, my skin feels cold  
And I'm getting so tired and so old

The anger swells in my guts  
And I won't feel these slices and cuts  
I want so much to open your eyes  
'Cause I need you to look into mine

Tell me that you'll open your eyes

Tell me that you'll open your eyes

Tell me that you'll open your eyes

Tell me that you'll open your eyes

Get up, get out, get away from these liars  
'Cause they don't get your soul or your fire  
Take my hand, knot your fingers through mine  
And we'll walk from this dark room for the last time

Every minute from this minute now  
We can do what we like anywhere  
I want so much to open your eyes  
'Cause I need you to look into mine

Tell me that you'll open your eyes

Tell me that you'll open your eyes

Tell me that you'll open your eyes

Tell me that you'll open your eyes

All this feels strange and untrue  
And I won't waste a minute without you.

As the song comes to a finish there is a piece of me that is crying out for him but there is also a piece of me that is just thankful to have had him in the first place. And for the first time since that fateful night I realise that Eddie was right, I can do this. 

**A/N: I know this story seems like it is all tears and heartache, I promise you it's not. There is light at the end of the tunnel in the most unexpected place. I hope you continue to read so that you can get some respite from the depressive aspect of this story. **

**The reading 'I have no sorrow' is written by**

_**Amelia Josephine Barr **_

_**The song at the end is 'open your eyes' by Snow Patrol. **_

_**As always please, please review. If you have any questions just drop me a line – in the form of a review? **_____


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